Please Help: Need Hormones, Electrolysis, and Voice Therapy

https://www.gofundme.com/estelle039s-transition-necessities&rcid=r01-154199336699-3ecfe885eb3240cb&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w

I’ll be homeless just in time for Christmas, and the root cause of everything that led me to this situation is my transition-related health problems. So I am trying something different. Instead of trying to find employment so I can eventually take care of my health–which hasn’t worked for the last year–I am now attempting to address my transition-related health problems SO I can find employment. Anything you can give to help me get out of this hopeless situation will help so much. Thank you. Please share the campaign.

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Cursory Hormones Research

Doing more research about hormones. Apparently, both E and T regulate/impact seratonin response, so either being low can result in depression. My E has been low since last October, when I stopped taking the antiandrogen that kept my T down but almost killed me. I was already depressed then, and I’ve been climbing out of another gutter since I got arrested in March, but what’s important here is that MY E HAS BEEN LOW SINCE LAST OCTOBER AND THAT CAN RESULT IN DEPRESSION.
 
I made addressing my known hormone deficiency a lower priority when I was arrested because I ran out of money and staying out of prison (by paying the requisite legal fees to avoid violation the orders of my probation) took priority over almost everything else. Pmuch I couldn’t afford to address it, and I figured it was better to live with E deficiency and stay out of jail than go to ail and risk not getting hormones at all. I still can’t afford to fix this. Endorinologists cost hundreds per visit, but this new knowledge necessitates action. Gonna ask the new doc in StL about switching to injections to try to get my E up, even tho I won’t be able to see them much because I’m in KC so often these days. There’s also a Planned Parenthood a few miles from my house I’ve been pointed to–maybe I can do it there.
 
I’d love to take pills forever, but oral estrogen damages your liver over time, and taking them sublingually isn’t very realistic–the pills need to be absorbed through the mouth tissue over a period of about thirty minutes and mine are usually gone/swallowed/dripping down my throat around five.
 
Also I have a rather severe needle phobia that I plan to get over either before or during my first injection.
 
Also have I mentioned how much I hate transitioning.

TLDR: girl can’t get a break.

FINALLY GOT ID

Oh hey, good news. Three years after losing my birth certificate in the mail, I got a new one today. Half a year after the state took my license, I used my brand new birth certificate to get a nondriver ID. I’m legal again.

All I need to leave the country now is a passport, which since I’ve obtained the necessary ID documents, will be possible once I have income.

This would not have happened without the amazing people at the Kansas City Anti-Violence Project, the advocacy organization I’ve been working with since May. They are responsible for any and all progress I’ve made on important things since I got to Kansas City. They contacted my lawyer to make her do her job when she wasn’t standing up to the court for me. They wrote a letter to vouch for my character that went into my court file. They gave me clothes from their donated clothing closet to build a court outfit. They helped me find a therapist, and have been covering my sessions with her since June, which is why I’ve been able heal as much as I have in recent months. They helped me apply for food assistance, which is why I can eat now. They gave me access to a food pantry when I needed it. They pointed me to rent assistance programs and a local trans medical clinic (thought I haven’t been able to access it due to lack of ID, but now I can). They helped me work on my resumé. They set time aside to accompany me to the Kansas ID Office when I tried (and failed) to get a Kansas ID. Today, they accompanied me to the MO Dept of Vital Records at the Health Department, then the License Bureau, to have my back and intercept any garbage the clerks may have thrown, which is why I have ID now, and can do hiring paperwork now, and can obtain access to the local trans clinic now, and so much more.

KCAVP does excellent, necessary work that has directly improved and evolved my life. Please consider donating to them to support the work they do.

http://www.kcavp.org/

The Times on Antidepressant Withdrawal

Glad this issue is getting some attention, from the press and from the scientific community.

I have friends who have gone through monstrous withdrawal experiences from these drugs. I have friends whose lives the drugs have dramatically improved.

Antidepressants have: done nothing to improve my life; improved my life; exacted significant tolls upon my life in exchange for improving it; wrecked my body without improving my life; asked me to weigh their benefits against their costs; led me to stop and restart and change dosage and change meds and abandon them and thank the gods for them over the last decade and a half; been prescribed in informed-sounding ways; been prescribed with serious discussion of withdrawal; been prescribed as if a lighthearted jaunt through a casino; been prescribed as if methodically combing a troubleshooting guide; led me to avoid them for the better part of a decade; made me functional enough to complete graduate school despite not feeling enough like myself to enjoy as much of the experience as I thought I would; made me functional enough to complete my first and last year of full-time college teaching though I didn’t enjoy that experience much either.

There is nothing redeeming or good about depression. I’m glad science has given us antidepressants–sometimes they help. Sometimes they save lives. Sometimes they repair people. Sometimes they make the unbearable more bearable and life more livable.

I have serious problems with how antidepressants are prescribed so often right now that it seems as if our culture would rather medicate away how guts-crushingly shitty everything is than to do the work of fixing the large-scale social problems that make so many people depressed, hopeless, suicidal, and unable to imagine surviving another day.

This is not everyone’s story. There are many depressions, many flavors, many sources, many treatments.

I’m glad we are, culturally, starting to look at the back end of depression and antidepressants, to try and make this thing–treatment, product, drug, addiction, boon, burden, mess–that already asks so much of people one day ask less.

Breasts and New Bras pt 2

K so quick history: my breasts have grown QUITE A BIT since I started taking progesterone in October, and they’ve grown even more since I started consistently taking it as a suppository in December. None of my old bras fit anymore, which made my breasts constantly sore (ball-havers, imagine squeezing your balls into too-tighty-whiteys for months, like, 2-4 sizes too small), so I threw down on some new bras, from Torrid. I was wearing exclusively Maidenform 38B bras for the last three years, except for random sports bras I found at Ross or on sale at Target.

These Torrid bras are the comfiest things I’ve ever wrapped around my girls.

I’m definitely a 42 band size. Everything I ordered was a 42. I measured myself before I ordered and I was closer to 42 than 41 but still in between, so I gambled a little and got lucky. 42 feels right. Snug but not tight. In place but not pinching. I ordered mostly D cups with a few Cs and Bs thrown in there in case I had measured wrong.

Turns out I measured wrong. I followed a few guides, measured around the fullest part of the bust, still got the wrong cup size. Guess my boobs are just reaching for the stars.

After an afternoon of trying on seven bras, I’m returning five. I’m keeping the 42Bs, one demi, one sports, and returning all the rest. Just too much room in the cups in those.

Once things get returned and I get reimbursed, I’m def ordering more. Like, this is a memory foam demi, but I want to try some more basic T-shirt bras in more common colors (this one is a lush dark purple, sale ftw) and styles (give me some lace I want to feel sexy sometimes) (also is probs a good idea to have more than one sports bra, espesh if I’m planning to starts sportsing more). I’ll have more money when my freelancing gig pays up in a few weeks, but can’t order anything now, so I have time to strategize.

Good news: This 42B demi is just THE comfiest thing. There is really no feeling like…tfw metal wires aren’t digging into the sides of your breasts. The underwire (cozily cushioned) points up into my armpit rather than to my shoulders, so I’m convinced 42 is the band I need. Victory!

SMALL DILEMMA THO: There’s still a little room in the cups. Like, when I sit down and lean back, the upper lip (?) of the cup rises off my breast maybe a centimeter, more on the right breast. Again, super comfy, but that’s the roomiest I’ve ever worn a comfy bra.

Fellow boob-havers, does this mean the bra is too big? Should I maybe order a few more bras down a band size and up a cup size to see if they’re too snug before deciding i am def a 42B at the moment? Like, 40Cs and 40Bs? I’d look for 40As but I don’t have the money for custom bras rn.

Also, my girls are still growing, so I don’t want to invest too much in bras–I need just enough underwear to be functional until my girls are finished coming into their own–so maybe I should just stick with 42Bs for a minute and wait to grow into em more?

Anyways, if y’all were in my situation (female puberty), what would you consider? Thanks for any tips!

Flood

Basement flooded with drums in it. Spent the morning moving everything–everything–upstairs to the “dining” room where nobody has eaten in at least a decade.

Shells are ok, I think, unless the kick drum spurs–which got wet–plan to rust, but spurs can be replaced.

Cymbal stands should be ok too, pending also rust, and since I’ve had most of them since I was in high school, probably SHOULD be replaced once I get reliable income/work.

Will probs need a new drum mat tho. That shit got soaked 😦

#springisinthebasement

Bike Seat Blues

Cyclist friends! I have two road bikes and they are great. Trek 1.1 circa 2011/2012, older heavier-frame Specialized Allez. Check the pink leopard print handlebar wraps and the snazzy orange lettering atop the deep blue frame.IMG_20180306_165114_763

I really, really want to get out and ride them more this spring, but there are obstacles.

It’s been a few years since I’ve considered myself an active bike person. This is mostly because

1) I gained weight after I started biking because of the toxic antiandrogen (spironolactone) I was but no longer am taking

2) my belly makes riding road bikes not so great because I have to be bent over on my bikes and my knees are pmuch constantly kicking my belly now
3) my bike seats stopped being comfortable, I’m assuming because
3a) see #1
3b) my fat has redistributed and I’ve shed muscle mass, so my center of gravity has moved into my hips and thighs and out of my upper body, meaning more of my weight rests on the seat than on the handlebars now, so it’s real uncomfortable to ride on my racing seats
3c) by “stopped being comfortable” I mean causes significant soreness on the bottom of my crotch and on either side where my legs meet my hips, which makes me want to turn TF around and go home so I can get off my bike ASAP within a minute or two of riding, sometimes right from the getgo
4) I only have road bikes and nowhere I’ve lived in the last three years has let me feel safe on the roads.

I’ve lost weight in the last few months, and that has helped with #2.

I bought some bike shorts with peri-area padding and they’ve kinda mitigated the discomfort in #3c, but it’s not enough to make biking feel like the kind of activity where I can just get on the road and go–I’m still mitigating discomfort on every ride, and that never used to be a problem.

I stopped wearing panties while biking, thinking the elastic bands encircling the leg-holes might be contributing to the discomfort, and while that has helped some, it’s still there.

I’m convinced I need to get two new bike seats (the ones I currently have are both thin deals than flare near the rear a little) if I am going to enjoy biking again.

In an ideal world, I’d trade one of the racing bikes for a trail/crosstrek-style bike so I could do trail riding, but this is not that world. Far from it.

Are there such things as seats designed for male versus female bodies? I know frames move the crossbar down for women’s bikes, to compensate for the lower center of gravity women’s bodies tend toward, but I’m not about to buy a third bicycle until I sell one and/or get a job. And I don’t want to have to get new frames, though I understand I should probs buy women’s or unisex bikes henceforth.

Not sure what I should consider when shopping around for seats besides getting more crotch cushioning to compensate for the junk I carry in my trunk now, but most of the cushioned seats I’ve seen t look more appropriate for cruisers than for road bikes.

Maybe I just have to accept that I’m a special case here and get cruiser seats for my racing bikes? Idk.

Any thoughts or help is appreciated.

48th? Notes

Today’s most satisfying feeling is tfw you’ve been practicing metal on your metal drumkit for a few days because your jazz/rock drumkit is still packed from a gig last weekend, and without wondering if you’re warmed up for it enough you whip out 48th notes (? so many notes) on your double kick pedal at “Laser Cannon Deth Sentence” speeds and precision for a few bars, then playing slower stuff and just throwing sextuplets on the kick into whatever you’re playing, and laugh at a few things at once: the sense of accomplishment you haven’t felt at your playing in years, wonderment at where those notes have been hiding in your body this whole time, and the possible futures this could open up for your playing.

Still room to improve, but I definitely leveled up today.

Pretty good feeling 😀

Why Facial Hair Removal is Medically Necessary for Trans Women

*knock on door*
*Zoë hasn’t shaved for a few days and isn’t wearing a bra, but she opens the door anyway*
Outside person: Oh hi ma’am
Me: Hi there what’s up
Outside person: Oh you’re a guy, sorry.
Me: Um. I take female pronouns actually.
Outside person: Oh.
I’m in transition.
Outside person: Oh.
Me: It’s great.
Outside person: Oh.
Me: No actually it sucks. Whatcha got?
Outside person: Um, I just wanted to invite you to the celebration of Christ’s death next weekend. *hands over flyer*
Me: Oh ok, thanks, I’ll pass it on to my Mom.
Outside person: Ok, have a blessed day, sir.

Me: Byeeeeeeeee

Me: *goes upstairs, tries to go back to work, cannot focus, cries for a few minutes, writes about it on the internet, resolves to shave before going to therapy in an hour*

Side note: The pink/purple versions of the green Shick ST2 Slim Twin razors suck ass and slice up your face right out of the bag. Everything women have told me about women’s razors being crappier than men’s leaps into my mind, and becomes true.